Diagnosis

Lauren Smith • Jan 18, 2022

Before My Diagnosis:


I was diagnosed with High Functioning Autism aged 12. Before my diagnosis, I realised there was something different about the way my mind worked, but I couldn’t fathom it out. This led to me feeling confused and very isolated. I knew I was different from my peers. I felt different - I stood out from the rest of the crowd. One vivid memory of my primary school life was standing in the lonely corner of the playground, observing everyone rather than participating in play. I was picked on for not acting similarly to my peers – I was baffled as to why I felt I couldn’t just get involved. I was overwhelmed by the lack of support I received at school, especially when signs of autism became more apparent, at the age of eight. I often became extremely stressed, particularly when I started secondary school. My severe anxiety and continuous frustrations took a toll on the whole family, causing numerous arguments. I would tend to be physically defensive when I was upset. The majority of the time, it was thought that I had a ‘bad attitude,' however I now realise that what I was experiencing was a sensory overload and I was just trying to communicate how troubling my world seemed. Both Mum and Dad were, unfortunately on the edge of a nervous breakdown.


Girls on the autism spectrum are often missed and they are just considered ‘shy.’ After experiencing selective mutism for two years at primary school, an autism diagnosis was looked into. The journey to receive an official diagnosis was tough, exhausting and infuriating. However, I did eventually get told that my insecurities, stresses, anxieties, and overwhelming sensations unleased to an autism spectrum condition.


After My Diagnosis:


Upon receiving my diagnosis, I felt relieved; I could stop trying so hard to conform and focus on the path to self-discovery (an adventurous and anxiety-provoking journey!) I have researched the condition endlessly and raising awareness of it has now become one of my passions. Autism is my special interest! At times I still feel overwhelmed and frustrated at the lack of appropriate support, therefore, I am trying my hardest to change this by encouraging society to embrace our differences and welcome the autistic mind. I struggle to understand why I should constantly fit in with others; why can’t neurotypicals see things from our perspective? Despite still experiencing occasional depressive episodes, I have used my negative experience of other people’s ignorance towards autism in a positive way. Learning more about autism everyday motivates me to pursue my dream of supporting others with the condition.



Autism is inspiring. There is always hope; never lose sight and give everything your best shot! You are worth it! You are loved!


Written by Lauren Smith

A Different Perspective CIC


By Lauren Smith 20 Jun, 2022
You don’t understand the depths of my emotion, When you push me into doing things I feel uncomfortable with. You don’t truly understand the intensity of the anxiety I experience, So, don’t say that I don’t meet you halfway. To walk down the street with bustling crowds and flashing lights, To sit in a class full of commotion and chaos, To sit in the canteen, desperate for friendship, a sense of belonging, Causes me immense anxiety and makes me urge to escape. At college, I have to mask my personality, Battle my constant fears, And try to act up to any expectations you set, And you have the audacity to say I don’t meet you halfway. I might be lucky – I have all that I need. But when my anxiety and negative self-talk overflows, I crumble. Obviously, I’m lucky – autism is a gift, a treasure, something to be proud of, But I struggle immensely with almost everything you take for granted. Look at how far I’ve come, I’ve survived the shudders of secondary school, got through prom, And started college all on my own. Would you rather me make continual but gradual progress, or do you want me to fail and break down under pressure? There’s all or nothing in my world – it’s called black and white thinking – struggling to read between the lines, I either do something I feel happy and content with or I do absolutely nothing at all. So, when you push me into doing something: role plays, presentations, a work placement… I refuse and break down, simply because it’s overwhelming; how do you expect me to cope? I know you think you know how to help me; you work in the field of inclusive practise, But actually, you don’t know me – I am an individual with autism. I am the only one who knows what’s best, You don’t know me – but I do! Don’t try and put words into my mouth – trust me – it doesn’t work! My knowledge probably comes across as intimidating, I’ve researched the condition endlessly. I’ve devised a set of my own coping mechanisms, What works for one child with autism, probably won’t work for me – recognising individuality is the key! Socialising is draining – exhausting and overwhelming, To say hello to a friend is just as hard for me as starting a job is for you – daunting and frightening, I have less social energy than you to start with, So, imagine, how tired I feel by the end of every day – any additional stress and anxiety causes a shutdown – this causes an inability to function or communicate at all. I may be socially inept, considered as unsociable, But, sometimes your social skills can be just as poor, I don’t think you realise how excruciatingly difficult it is for me to make friends at the best of times, It becomes near impossible to develop a friendship with added pressure. The frustrations I experience continually, on a day to day basis, may seem unimportant to you – ridiculous maybe, You can block out the world whenever you want – I can’t, I am constantly trapped in a world which seems isolating, confusing and demoralising – I feel deflated. Yet you feel you can make comments, like ‘you’re not meeting me halfway.’ Some may say I’ve been sheltered, protected from the world, I’ve felt secure for too long, Well, I’m now in the outer world – being thrown into the deep end, And I’ve instantly realised one of the most important things. I’ve said it before and will continue to say it until the message is clear, Autism is a spectrum condition, but not every person on the spectrum is the same! The fact is often missed as people with autism share certain traits, Honestly, we all have different needs and one box doesn’t help us at all – we don’t want to be categorised into what you see as the ‘norm’ or ‘correct way of society.’ I am a person with autism – I am human and I have feelings, I have a voice and a right to express my own valued opinions, So, next time you imply you want me to meet you halfway, Question your knowledge beforehand and consider how making unfair, judgemental, detrimental comments will help me cope. I will continue to fight for my rights – I’ve fought from the second I was born, I believe, I should be respected and my differences embraced, My needs challenged but at my own pace, My positive contributions and achievements should be acknowledged for one and celebrated for another. I think you should start listening to my voice, quiet but fierce, And meet me halfway! Don’t discriminate or stereotype – just accept and support me, in the suggested ways! Autism awareness is a highlight for me, No matter how many books you’ve read, videos you’ve watched or people you’ve spoken to about the subject, If you haven’t walked my long trudge of a path, You don’t have the true understanding of the disability. That’s right – I have a disability, A hidden disability, where guilt, shame, upset, anger and anxiety threaten to trickle through, when I’m overwhelmed, My life is a battle – a rollercoaster – a challenge, So, maybe you should, for once, meet me halfway! Written by Lauren Smith A Different Perspective CIC
By Lauren Smith 22 Apr, 2022
Academic Studies: As A Levels are advanced studies, the content of work can be difficult to grasp. Sometimes, the concepts can be very confusing, meaning that it takes me longer to get to grips with it. There are numerous key terms to be learnt. Also, the workload is fairly heavy, with many essays to be written. It can be very demanding and is definitely a big step up from GCSE’s. One of the main difficulties I’ve had with A Levels is motivation – do I want to put the effort into the work? Motivation can be a struggle for some people on the autism spectrum. It’s important that teachers work with the individual to understand what they want to gain out of the course and learn what is best going to help them to achieve their goal. Exams: Exams are an important part of the majority of college courses, particularly A Levels. It is common for people to experience anxiety surrounding exams, as it is thought that the grades awarded can determine the future. However, it is important to understand that there are other options if grades are not as hoped. With flexibility in mind, it can be easier to relax and focus on the revision, rather than stressing about the ‘what-if’ scenarios that are probably unlikely! On a personal note, I absolutely dread exams, particularly because of the time pressures and being unable to process the information and write the answer in a way that can be understood. It takes me longer to think about the answer and how to structure it. With mocks fast approaching, I am aware that solid revision and determination is the key to success! However, I do struggle with memorising information, especially when I haven’t fully understood the concepts taught in class. Communication: The majority of people on the autism spectrum have difficulties with social communication, social interaction and social imagination. These difficulties, otherwise known as the ‘triad of impairments’ can make social situations seem daunting and overwhelming and means that developing and maintaining friendships can be a challenge. From personal experience, my severe anxiety has caused me to feel shy around my peers. It is difficult being put into a group full of already established friendships, because it feels as though I’m an outsider. I’ve always been an observer, rather than a participant, however sometimes I would like to join in and contribute. Whenever there are group tasks assigned, fairly often in A Levels, I do struggle to get my voice heard due to my fear of getting the answer ‘wrong.’ Everyone else appears so confident and able to express their opinions, whereas I sit silently, thinking up good ideas that are unable to be shared. As I am extremely shy, I can be perceived as rude. The fact that my peers think I don’t want to be involved, represents a miscommunication, meaning that the others naturally overtake the group activities. I have especially high anxiety with regards to one-to-one conversations, mainly as I fear getting rejected. My previous friendships haven’t always been as easy to maintain as I’d hoped, leading me to latch onto negative experiences and feelings surrounding friendship. I find it particularly hard to initiate conversation; most of the time, I’m unsure of what to say, but if I do know what to say, my anxiety often prevents me from saying it anyway! It takes an awful lot of courage and confidence to say hello to someone in my class, which means that I often sit in silence, giving the impression that I don’t want friends (which is the total opposite of the truth!). I suppose at the beginning of A Levels, I was preoccupied by adjusting to the new environment, new teachers and workload and wasn’t really concerned about the social aspects of college life. Now, however, I have realised I would like to talk to people and build friendships, but I know what strain this puts me under. It often consumes most of my social energy, meaning that I cannot fully concentrate on my academic studies (it can be difficult to get a balance of socialising and college studies!) Support Strategies: Colour code/highlight key points of revision. Create coloured revision flashcards/mind maps with simplified information. Create a strategy of communication between you and your tutor e.g. written notes, a symbol or a multicoloured pencil case could be used to express that support is required. Create a clear career plan for the future, identify goals that you would like to achieve and look at manageable ways that this can be achieved. Make a revision timetable and ensure that any relaxation time is added. Give yourself downtime. Create a motivation board with your ultimate goal at the end of the journey and include all of the steps that are needed to help you achieve what you want. Use your special interests to help with motivation. Ensure that you can access essential exam information well in advance – what exam, where it will be, what time, how long for, what you will need to bring, any exam access arrangements. Practise past exam papers to help with structuring answers. Get familiar with the mark scheme. Gain feedback from teachers so an awareness is given of how to improve. Ask for more individual work as opposed to group work, as a reasonable adjustment. If group work is necessary, teachers could allocate the groups so that nobody gets left out and assign roles so that everyone can contribute. Use a communication toolbox/book/flashcards with tips and ideas for different social situations and to help have conversations and make friends. Practise basic skills in as many social situations as possible. Written by Lauren Smith A Different Perspective CIC
By Lauren Smith 22 Apr, 2022
As I’ve recently passed my driving test, I feel this is a good time to share some insight into driving from an autistic perspective. Driving requires a lot of rapid, mental processing. Driving involves being able to predict other people’s actions, co-ordinate various controls simultaneously, identify and respond to developing hazards, respond to changes (for instance, new road layouts, roadworks), make judgements about time and speed and to keep calm in tricky situations. Some autistic people can find this too challenging and choose not to drive, and that’s perfectly okay. However, it can be thought that autistic people have a spiky skillset – as an example, I struggle to tie shoelaces, put my hair up and cook due to executive function and motor coordination challenges yet I can drive. From my perspective, driving is thoroughly enjoyable and offers a sense of freedom and independence. I have gained transferable skills and have had confidence enabled in other areas of my life. Driving can be therapeutic as I can only focus on the task in hand. Having worked with a specialist disability driving instructor, my strengths were nurtured, and my challenges were understood and supported. My instructor encouraged me to believe in my abilities. Driving Test Day: When booking your driving test, you can specify that you would like a disability examiner and extra time, if you feel this may be helpful. You are allowed to ask for a break and for the examiner to repeat instructions if you need. A couple of weeks prior to my test, I started taking the Bach Rescue Remedy supplements. These are completely natural and helped calm my anxieties. I practised deep breaths beforehand, so that on test day I could use this as a calming strategy. I looked through positive affirmations and read through messages from friends, which helped me believe in myself and reframe any negative automatic thoughts. I kept my test date to myself, for the exception of a couple of close friends, to help relieve any pressure. I stuck to my normal routine on test day and had something prepared to do after my test. It may help to check out the test centre first. You could also watch YouTube videos of what to expect on the day. Try to pretend that either it is a mock test, the examiner is a passenger in your taxi, and they are directing you back to their house or you are with your friend going on an adventure. I did not try to change or do anything different on the test; I followed through with what my instructor had taught me. The first thing you will be asked to do is show your provisional license and theory test certificate and sign a document. You will then be asked to read a number plate from around 20 metres away. You will be asked to set up your car ready (e.g. adjust the mirrors, neck restraint etc). The examiner will explain to you what will happen during the test (the independent section of the drive will either be using a sat nav, that will be set up for you, or navigating via road signs). Before you start the drive, the examiner will ask you one ‘tell me’ question (this may involve you needing to open the bonnet and tell them how you would check something). As you drive, the examiner will ask you one ‘show me’ question (e.g. demonstrate how you would sound the horn, open and close the window, use dipped headlights, demist the windscreen etc). You will also be asked to perform two manoeuvres. The test will last around 40 minutes. You need 15 or less minors and no serious faults to pass. If you do not pass, remember that you will have another opportunity; try to see the test as a ‘mock’ and follow your examiner’s guidance during your driving lessons. General Driving Tips: Self-assess before you start driving – do you feel awake, are you calm, have you eaten? Always consider how your internal state will affect your driving. Having a good sleep routine, good diet and taking regular breaks is vital. Remind yourself of the importance of COAST – concentration, observation, anticipation, speed, time. Remind yourself of the importance of forward planning – looking further ahead and assessing situations and changes will help you respond, rather than react. Give yourself plenty of time, especially if you struggle with processing. Do not rush any aspect of driving, particularly the manoeuvres. Break down driving into small steps and think carefully about each step. I use an internal monologue to guide myself through the process – I use rhymes and phrases to help remind me of what to do on the road. I use the surroundings as a guide e.g., road markings, structure of parking bays. To help you apply driving skills to real life, consider this: You have the power to put the brakes on when something doesn’t look or feel right and to divert from the journey if you feel uncomfortable at any point. You also have the power to do a U turn if you start something and you no longer feel it serves you or is causing too much stress/anxiety. You have the controls to make a change if you need to. You can steer life in whatever way you choose. Give yourself time and plan ahead. Enjoy a lifetime of safe driving! :) Written by Lauren Smith A Different Perspective CIC
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